Hello,
I've been many pleasant invertebrate jelly-like feelings of late. Cambrian bilateroid Kimberella excited pulsing-on-arriving-at-a-nice-slime-patch-on-a-sunny Iapetus Ocean day type feelings...neural net pre-brain primordial feelings. The good types. So, I’ve had to think through what it all means, carefully.
These are precipitates from running the physiological work to likely unsafe levels; I mentioned this previously. Cue te feelz.
I like these feelings, there's no doubt. So much that I've found myself wanting to pursue them, even, for their own sake. There's a real danger of becoming addicted to them and wanting them, and them only. Like a good borderline art hoe woman. I can’t help myself.
Example. Recently, for several pants-cummingly excellent hours, I had a clear, strong feeling or perception that I was at least a foot or two taller, and far more extensive in terms of general expanse, than I actually am. This was coupled with a manic non-manic…or a non-manic mania, a feeling of expansive immensity; that's the only way I can describe it.
I reported in to the GC HQ as I troddled around the place. Someone informed me that this is an often-reported side effect of energetic work. After checking the literature on Kundalini-type self-report experiences, I found that this is indeed true. It made me wonder if the stories of the Buddha being 30 feet tall might be some time-confuddled reference to these kinds of kinaesthetic effects of hard-line training of this type.
Although I'd had similar feelings in the past, the pronounced and profound nature of this one is complex to describe. It wasn't a flash in the pan either; it lasted several hours.
I had a very similar feeling once during an ayahuasca ceremony where I became as large as the solar system. Everyone violently throwing up in buckets in shitting their pants evaporated in a heartbeat; I could no longer hear them fighting against their gag reflexes in the form of anti-vomit reflex self-strangulation and the associated, spiritually laboured comic groans that define that type of purge.
In the ensuing cosmic silence, I bore witness to Sol System in its entirety. Orbits, spaces between planets seems proportionally correct and perfect. I was the largest object. The gas giant Jupiter was only a quarter of my size, maybe less. I was the God-Emperor of the entire solar system. It pulsed brilliantly, with energetic explosions of a kind of vibrating electricity in line with my respiration process. I felt like Shiva, directing the entire pulsation of matter. I took up a requisite position, full lotus, sitting straight, seemingly with complete power over this entire cosmic scene.
There were all manner of other delightful sensations and visions associated with this scene. A dancing jaguar spirit morphed into different ancient geometric and pyramidal shapes before me. Almost at my request, as if to please me. Pardon the soyllennial reference, but it's the most accurate - each form shape-shifting with time trails, like Agent Smith dodging bullets, with wave forms leading to one or other form of jungle animal. Tarantula, pink dolphins, many other mysterious animals I'd never seen before. There was no fear. The was pure buzzing energy and calm. My body felt light as a feather, and this was immensely pleasurable. My mind was the scene and my scene was the mind, empty, everything as it should be. No thought or doubt soiled or assailed me.
The strangest effect: I could cross my legs in full lotus, with zero pain, comfortably, my body completely erect. Something I can't even come close to doing in everyday life. Explain that one. I want you to. I sat like that for hours. Mere hours later I wasn’t able to replicate this feat. (Explain this to me. How the fuck did that happen? I want you to explain it. My knees were in perfect knick the next morning. If i try it these days I can barely walk for hours)
These feelings were good.
Now, suppose you, for whatever reason, love to listen to born again religious psychotics online who love nothing more than to assert that everyone outside of the zone of their boring dull existences is demonic. You know the types. Meditation is demons. Trump is demons. Music is demons. Everything is so scary to these morons, because of spirits or interdimensional demons. You know? Their trademark -an overwhelming sense of fear and hysteria that colours their ridiculous, suspicious movie-like “this one guy told me once about satan” stories. For me, this is their most significant offence - being scared of everything. You know the type.
For them, this would be clear evidence of inter-dimensional demons trying to make me think I was Jesus, shrieking in wholesome biblical terror at the mere thought. For me, it was one of the most remarkable experiences of my life. An actual peak experience.
There are definitely dangers to these kinds of substances. I've seen it happen.
The thing is, "everything's demons, bro" types fundamentally get the source of danger wrong. The real danger is the feelings and energies substances like this induce or introduce people to. People who may have low IQ, not very mature, and desperate in some way. So give them the kind of vision i had, well let’s just say they can grab a hold of it, and believe it to be something other than what it is.
Look at it this way - how many stories have you heard about someone having a peak experience like mine, and then after deciding they're the second coming of Christ and starting a cult? It happens to varying degrees very often. The same thing occurs famously with some people who have “enlightenment” type peak experiences. Even without a cult, they may walk around afterwards self-defined in this way.
Everyone knows a psychedelics fag in their circle, right? You spend 5 minutes with this person's god-complex, Joe Roganism, or nothing-can-be knownism, you want to drown them in the nearest body of water. Quiet now…shh.shhh.shhhh…that’s right.
As we discussed last week regarding feelings and beliefs. They out of desperation usually take an experience as completely real and cosmologically significant. The symbol interpreter brain kicks in, and they interpret it like they do anything else in their boring, gay lives. According to their already defective personalities. So, rather than breaking up the defective personality, the feelings and experiences supercharge it. Give it a nice old coat of armour and a spit polish.
They form personal and cosmological models. The feelings they had form the basis of these certainties and beliefs. Which they then use to drive you to homicidal rage while you're simply trying to have a glass of cava and some salted almonds on a pleasant summer afternoon. No, they won't be having any of that, apparently.
So, what did I take away from the experience I described above? It was nice, for sure. But what did it change in me? I felt like there was a change in mood for a bit. Again, that could have simply having been on a trip and not at work. It made me hopeful for a little while. I couldn't really define it, though.
Before long, I found myself sitting again in front of a spreadsheet in a building in the CBD, the experience coloured with an eery, encroaching familiarity. In my empty skull, things still occasionally felt a little different.
Unfortunately, I couldn't deny the hard data. Here I was. Much the same as I was before. The weeks went on. The feelings dissipated. And only I remained.
Here's the thing. The victims of these experiences, in my view, get that way for a few reasons that are largely pedestrian and not at all supernatural:
They love the feelings they got so much, they seem so extra-ordinary, and their ordinary life and ability to feel is so bad that they can't let it go. They will keep pursuing it, even if the subsequent experiences don't measure up to the original; they never do.
Visions, built on the foundation of pleasant sensations and feelings, become beliefs, and, importantly, the content becomes real for them and reinforces the often insane, borderline character of the individual. This occurs in much the same way, as say, a lesbian writing "strong and powerful" on a post-it note and whacking it on a beach ball and throwing it at a colleague's head - see last week's post.
There are more reasons, but I want to keep it to these for now given what I’m talking about.
Being aware of the sneaky purposes of feelings, I was already on the look out for this. I noticed that I instantly re-engaged in the same habits and general feeling of what happens more or less immediately. Those that define me as a lumbering set of drives and habits. That didn’t change long term. Day-to-day habits were to same. I was the same dick I was before the experience.
the same is true of my recent energetic experience. It in an of itself, hasn’t changed anything as I sit here writing this. But I can understand why someone would run with it and bare their crazy bums for the world to see.
I think if most people are honest with themselves, they pursue these modalities or experiences to help change themselves, to help create tangible improvements in life situations. Because they have trouble changing them. It’s not so easy to change things. to get rid of that low-level pain that runs in the background. If they're honest. Which they rarely are.
The question we need to ask, then, and I'm not just talking drugs here but spirituality or any other kind of bliss monkey-guru, seksual enuhgee, cosmic-foo type modality, is something like:
"Do the pleasurable feelings and sensations I'm getting now tangibly change anything? Will they drive me to change anything? Does the pursuit result from chronic compulsion? Are they steering me away from confrontation with the bundle of habits that make up what I am? Are they diminishing my life?"
In my experience, part of the issue is that so few people can honestly assess themselves in this way. Sensations and feelings are not worth pursuing on their own terms; they are simply a side effect of the valuable work. Sometimes, they contain data that is valuable. Sensations and arousal are indeed the very basis of biological life. There's no reason not to feel good or to aim to feel good; I'm not suggesting that. But you see my point here.
The irony is that the pursuers of pleasant feelings never end up feeling good for any length of time before they compulsively move on to the next "final feeling solution". Before their real characters viciously reassert themselves. Importantly, their brains remain the same; they've not changed in any tangible way whatsoever. They have no personal mastery. Like a drug addict, their lives very often get worse in these pursuits.
The pursuit of feelings, on both surface and deeper levels, therefore, whatever the medium, is the great enemy of the bio-individual practitioner.
Those who may or may not get pleasant feelings but continue anyway and go after the more unpleasant parts of themselves as the prime matter significantly increase their capacity to feel good over time.
Work Precipitates
Going through a speedy mind and body-altering process (this could be a valid course of meditation or anything introspective and physical) creates or precipitates many different kinds of physiological states. As you confront and reset homeostatic responses in your physiology.
Although I’ve been talking in terms of positive fee-fees driving people towards various largely comical life actions, much of what gurgles up can indeed be negative.
Feelings-pursuers will choose to maintain their delusional world of positivity and quit doing something when they get a "negative feeling". This is why they can't stick to anything for the requisite length of time.
They will take the so-called "negative feeling" as objective evidence that "something doesn't work" because the thing should "make me feel good". On having the negative feeling and assessing that "it's just this because it's just this is doesn't work" (it’s just-thisism), they'll buy some stupid product online to temporarily induce some good feelings before moving on to the next guru, product or group. Often they’ll read some dumb book that some psychotic, slippery wobble-head sex pest wrote about special energies, bliss consciousness or super-sayan sexual powers. Anything but the negative feeling. And the boredom.
Take the example of the course I have up on here. Now, for sure, sometimes vely vely good feelings and sensations are involved.
More often, though, it can be an annoyance, boredom, frustration or even distress. Mostly boredom.
Despite the feelings, the process (as you will see below) works. It takes a while, and you need to do it for 2 months straight to start getting good results. And continue to work it into your very physiology for the long-term results. 2 months to start, though.
Now, in my opinion, this is not even a hard ask. This is a literal mongoloid-tier work requirement that I would have thought any old knuckle-dragging spastic would be able to complete.
At a mere 25 minutes a day, what are they doing instead? Licking the bus window as a hobby. So why doesn't anyone complete it and keep doing it? Why do they watch Solbrah podcasts instead, being blown away at apparent revelations about not ejaculating constantly being the penultimate spiritual insight? Why talk about “grand over-arching metaphysical systems” which amount to nothing but words in your head, covering up the same silly sod that was always there?
In the time spent scrolling phones and listening to morons rant on a podcast about not jerking off, while waiting for the morning bus to the local special school, a session could easily have been done.
Shock horror, you’d be tangibly better off for it.
Why is this too much?
Simple: feelings.
The feelings aren't always good. It's boring…it hurts…I’m a sad frustrated person because I can't perform it right…whatever it is.
Suppose you do Kevin's posture course or any other work like this. Often, you need to film yourself, so your lazy, lying, deceiving chimp mind can't deceive you as to the reality of your many indiscretions.
You might think, "look at this fucking prick on the screen here". "He's not even doing what it feels like he's doing". And that feels bad.
You'll want to turn it off and go and post online about how superior you are for your beliefs, or parade around your firmly and proudly held warrior ethos like a gay at mardi gras. Or spend some time explaining yourself to random people that you don’t even know lol.
Or maybe how nice and spiritual you are, unlike everyone else. Perhaps give in to your overwhelming homosexual tendencies and post some outlandish mystical trash from a book you read and insist on how true it is despite you never having witnessed it, practiced it, and it only exisiting as a fleeting thought-form in your cretinous head that you would like to use to get sum tummy rubs.
Maybe you'll get a few likes and impress your deranged friends online. Deranged friends who have similar afflictions of the spirit. Maybe go and poast some book excerpts to show what a clever boy you are.
All this to escape the horrible truth.
that’s right - anything but face the scandalous reality of the featureless biomass, with its contemptible slug-like countenance vacantly staring back at you from your screen, dawdling around in the uncultivated manner of a mouth breathing simpleton, incompetently executing the prescribed movements, failing to take instructions - but thinking everything is just fine (another amusing feature of our species and one rarely spoken about is its natural inability or dislike of taking simple instructions even when they make sense, and to act on them, like a cheeky monkey). This…this creature…is the same creature that likes to say it’s the overman and show off, and isn’t like all those normal fags. It’s magically thunk itself superior. And it’ll choose anything but facing te dearly held self-concepshuns.
Same applies to me and my delusional 10-foot-tall thing. If I put the camera on. Would I, in fact, simply resemble some random lanky vagrant sweating profusely in the heat, in the midst of a psychotic episode?
No doubt the more-true reality in no way reflected the little feelings-fest I was indulging in. “ha haa look at me now, supremely spiritual” with a self satisfied reddit grin, indulging in all manner of ridiculous fantasies. I would imagine the same thing applies to naked stinky curry munchers sitting around in filth doing yoga all day. It’s all about the feels, when you should really be taking a shower and getting a haircut.
In short: you might be doing it wrong when it feels right.
And changing it to what you need to do feels wrong.
This is the problem: if you go for feelings, you'll achieve nothing and latch on to things that do nothing for you long term. And you'll drop extremely powerful things.
In psycho-physiological work, you need to be extra careful. Because intense feelings will start happening. And they're very seductive. This differs from feeling tired and not wanting to go to the gym, although that's part of the picture. What I'm pointing to here is far tricker, seductive, and dangerous. Although, for sure, there are elements of laziness to all this.
Worse, you might even develop beliefs…
Evidunce i/o Feelings
Here are my brain waves from the other day. Yes I was surprised the sensor picked something up also.
I've been practising the type of mindful breathing presented here, and simply being mindful for many years now. Regardless of what the “one simple trick” spruikers of similar things online will tell you, it takes a lot of work.
I took this data when I was confronting a stressful work situation. I hooked myself up while I was thinking of kicking a clients teeth in. After hooking up, I tried to emulate a automaton normafag for the first 10 minutes; I took on bad posture, breathed fast and acted in the way that the man on the street, that you all fetishise, generally acts.
At the 11:30 mark, I employed the method.
As you can see, there is an instant shift in brain wave coherence and structure, and the prominent brain waves – turned to alpha, more or less at the click of a finger. I was still working during this switch and didn't stop everything.
Alpha is prominent in meditators, and for me, although I had to turn it off for a meeting, after a while, I get bursts of theta waves. Alpha and theta coalesce, and I can maintain this while doing tasks.
Beta waves are often seen as stress or anxiety waves, which I often observe in people when measuring them for the first time. But here, after training for a long time and simply becoming mindful and slowing down even though I didn't want to – it instantly changed for me within minutes.
Here is another measurement I took afterwards. This is a graphed measurement of my heart rate variability, driven by respiratory efficiency, and the wave of blood around my body and how well this is all working together. It is a perfectly sinusoidal waveform, graphing the perfect resonant reinforcing of heart rate and blood flow around the body. Nobody has this without training; it's impossible. I’ve done other articools about this in detail, but in short, when all the parts are working together as they need to, this is how it plots.
Employing the method after training it for years, despite boredom and doubts, despite feelings - here are the tangible outcomes:
Here is a clients initial state for comparison, most of us walk around like this most of the time:
So what needs to be done? Training, of course, must be done every day religiously.
Ignoring feelings and the pursuit of feelings, and fleeting nothings like models and thoughts or nice words. It's nothing special to realise; it's like going to the gym or doing any other activity that requires consistency. You can speak, imagine and fantasise all you like.
Without the training, you don't get the results. If you train, you get the results.
We all need a swift kick in the goolies every now and then when feelings threaten to get in the way.
The pictures above show my results. You can't argue with that. There’s not metafaggics required. Maybe it's not secret or esoteric, not sexy like stopping furiously going to town on yourself at the drop of a hat, in line with the great dao or Qi of course, it's not some expensive supplement or some dumb old book. OK, but none of that can achieve this.
What can? Training despite yourself, getting out of your own way, setting aside 25 minutes a day (seriously) and just doing it. Stopping the constantly shifting sands of the pursuit of the exotic and comic book energy outcomes. the pursuit of that which delivers nice feelings.
And most of all, for online people (I don't disclude myself from this, btw) - refraining from being an attention-seeking little faggot. I don’t just mean this online either, although that provides the clearest path and easiest means for being a fraudulent hominid at odds with itself.
Do you want evidence of depth in psychoanalysis? How about how we're all being lived out by kindergarten fantasies, that we like to cover up. Acting out the desire to be little attention-seeking queens. How about that. How about just letting it go, throwing these groups online and these idiotic conversations where they belong - in the festering digital trash bin - and instead getting out of your own way by dropping it all and just getting to work.
On doing so, we give ourselves the chance to finally develop some sustainable good feelings. Sending advice clowns, in all their reprehensible sickening forms, back to hellscpe from whence they ingloriously emerged. Once and for all…breaking the backs of esoteric advice muppets…online book excerpt poasters and spiritual wordcel narcissists the world over.
I can dream can’t I?